Friday morning

TGIF?  I guess.  It's just another day.

I have been in bed before 9 o'clock the last week except for one day.  I am still SO tired.  It has nothing to do with depression.  I am happy, I am looking forward to things, and I am aware that I have good things happening in my life.

I don't know if there is a good way to describe this fatigue.  I feel like my battery cannot recharge.  No matter how long I sit plugged into the charger, it's not holding a charge at all.  It's 8:35.  I've done laundry, eaten breakfast, fed the kiddos, and gotten a good start on the day.  I am having a hard time even getting off the couch.  I could truly fall back asleep right now.  It's more like I'm forcing myself to stay awake during the day.  It is so bizarre.

My joint pain is a constant ache.  Why has it appeared all of a sudden?  It is so weird!  In CA, I was running, going to the gym, dancing - active all the time.  Here, I've been walking or jogging a few days a week, doing pilates, and now I can hardly think about doing it.  It's gotten worse over the last month or so.  When I was working in CA last month, I had to stop a few times because my back and hips were so painful.  I'm at a point now where I can't get up off the couch without hesitating because my hips hurt so badly.  I'm starting Medical Transcription school, and my fingers are starting to ache.  Uh, not good timing there.

The real issue here is I'm seeing things happening to me that I saw happen to my mother.  When I was 7 or 8, Dad was working in Kansas on a train, and we were in Oklahoma.  Mom got SO sick.  It was nighttime, and I had to go down the street in my pajamas to get the neighbor to come help because Mom was too sick to move.  She ended up in the hospital for a few days, and after that was the barrage of testing that ended with a Lupus diagnosis a few years later.  

My childhood was affected, certainly, as were my sisters'.  In Kindergarten, Ashley would cry every day before school because she was so afraid Mom was going to die while she was at school.  She was worried for a long time about Mom dying, and is very sensitive now when Mom is sick.  I remember getting everyone up and getting Ashley ready for school when Mom couldn't.  I don't want my boys to have to live lives like that... Living a life afraid.  Living life knowing that every aspect of your family's life depends on your Mom's health - vacations, field trips, dinnertime.

My plan is this:

I see the doctor again in a few weeks.  (first available appointment)  I will discuss at length the lab results from this visit.  I will express my concerns about fibromyalgia, Lupus, and/or chronic fatigue syndrome.  I will at that point ask for a referral to a rheumatologist.  There is no need for my PCM to keep doing blind testing if this area isn't his forte'.  I cannot live like this.  I need something to manage the stiffness and pain, and I need some energy.  I have too much to do, and I have sweet boys that deserve a mommy.  

I don't want to seem like I'm whining.  I just need to get all this out and have it documented so I can refer back to it.  I'll likely be posting more frequently on this blog with these kinds of posts, so beware.  

If I have any say

...which I doubt, I declare this patrol OVER. Now, can I have my husband back?  

The past few weeks have been almost incomprehensible. Truly.

The day he left, the mouse appeared. Then more mice appeared. *gag* I have felt worse than I've felt in a LONG time physically. Lo has been sick. All of the Murphy's Law business that you hear about.

Two times I've gotten a phone call from First Aid at the school that my big boy had an injury. They were scraped knees, but it warranted a phone call and a request that I pick him up. I told the nurse he could stay for the rest of the day. I didn't think it warranted a pick up. Oh, BTW, the last First Aid call was yesterday.

Today I get a call. I recognize the number on the caller ID. It's First Aid - again. This time, the big boy has a nose bleed that they can't get to stop. The nurse says, "I really think you should come get him." Okay, okay. I can take a hint.

I suppose it's a good thing I picked him up. The rest of the afternoon he was crying from a splitting headache. I gave him some medicine, he's running fever, and it's 7:00 and he's snoozing on the sofa. Guess someone will have his first ever sick day from school tomorrow. :(
Also this afternoon, I had another mouse in a trap. Can I tell you how much I DESPISE dealing with this? I'm sure if anyone could see me, it would definitely be sitcom worthy. In most cases, I call any and everyone I can to see if anyone will talk to me while I deal with it. It helps me get my mind off things, and I'm less likely to work myself into a frenzy. The lucky winner today was Cirrus. LOL. Thanks again, friend.

I have to get my garbage can situated right outside the back door, lid open. THEN, I get the shovel. I obtain another device, usually a broom handle or a large dowel rod we have around here. The secondary device is used to push the trap itself - not touching the rodent - into the shovel. The idea is that I will NOT physically touch any portion of anything *shudder* in the process of disposing of the body.

Yeah. I think it's about time for this patrol to be over. I need a bubble bath and a margarita. I need the kind of hug that only he can give.

A new role

I am officially a student once again.  I began Medical Transcription school yesterday.  I received a scholarship from Operation Life Transformed to receive training through Career Step.

It is difficult for me to really own the fact that I'm doing something for me.  How incredibly empowering.  Jumping right in, I completed my orientation module yesterday, and aced the first quiz.  I seriously doubt that the rest of my education will be quite so easy, but I am looking forward to it.

I told a friend yesterday that it will be nice to use my brain.  Many days, I feel like it is just marinating up there.  I am eager to wake it up and start learning again.

In other news, I have been feeling really poorly lately.  I had some lab work done this week, and I will need to see my doctor again because my labs came back with no indication of what my problem might be.  Say a little prayer for a cooperative physician that is eager to help me, and for better days for me.  I am very exhausted and having a lot of joint pain.  My fingers, shoulders, hips, and knees are very painful, and it's a constant ache with times of stabbing, burning pain.  It's definitely making it hard to do the "single" mom thing with Stuart gone.

What's up with me?

I've had some crazy things going on lately.  I'm not usually one of those "put it out in the universe, and it will come to pass" kind of people.  I mean, sure, I try to be optimistic - sometimes nauseatingly so.  However, the last couple of weeks has been a testament to the universe theory.

In a matter of a couple of days, in some cases hours, I would mention a situation, make a decision about it, and then a resolution would appear from nowhere!  Let me think of how it all started...

A few months ago, after we moved, I volunteered to take the ombudsman position on Stuart's boat.  The existing ombudsman was moving, and I knew the boat would need a new one.  I hadn't heard an update at all, and had given up.  Two hours after I made that decision, Stuart called and said that I had been chosen.  How weird is that?

I also, on another blog, have a special function for support...  It's a confidential support request, and it's a new feature.  No one had taken advantage of it, and my friend and leader of the pack and I had been discussing it.  Honestly, the next day I had a support request.  Isn't that weird?

There are more examples, not all of which I'm able to discuss publicly.  It is so nice to feel like things are looking up for me.  We've been pretty miserable trying to find our place in Mobile.  We're still working on that, but in the meantime, my cyber-life isn't looking too shabby.  I have a lot of working projects, some opportunities for new projects, and the support and love of a lot of fabulous friends.

Oh, and I'm starting online classes very soon.  Stay tuned for updates on that one.

I was tagged

Barb tagged me!  Thanks, lady!  ;)

The "rules" of the game are as follows:
1. Post the rules on your blog.
2. Write 6 random things about yourself.
3. Tag 6 people at the end of your post.
4. If you're tagged, DO IT and pass on the tag.

So, 6 random things about me:

1.  I like potato salad sandwiches.

2.  I have a bit of a crush on a Dancing With the Stars Dancer.  Yes, my husband knows.  

3.  My husband was my first kiss.  

4.  He's the only guy I've ever kissed.  (I hear it... awwwwwww!)

5.  I have very close friends that I have never seen face to face.

6.  I like to smell my two year old's stinky feet.

So, now, I tag:

Corinne

Beth

Cirrus

Roni

The Little Wife

Elizabeth

Project Brain Child

Please read and repost (click "reply to poster" then copy and paste all the code into a new bulletin.
) THANK YOU!!!!


Here is something you can do for kids with brain tumors (like Hadley). It takes a moment of your time and doesn't cost you a dime. You do have to be an American Express cardholder to vote...but, even if you aren't you can help out by spreading the word. Thank you SO much.




Project Brain Child is an iniative of the Pediatric Low Grade Glioma Association.


Members Project is a program sponsored by American Express where cardmembers submit innovative ideas for projects that make a difference. Cardmembers vote on the projects, and the winning 5 projects will receive up to $1.
5 million in funding from American Express, awarded as follows:

$1,500,000 for the winning project
$500,000 for the 2nd place project
$300,000 for the 3rd place project
$100,000 each for the two remaining finalist projects
The Pediatric Low Grade Glioma Association (PLGA) submitted their project idea to American Express in August. They will use the funds to conduct a feasibility study to create a National Pediatric Genomic Brain Tumor Registry. The information collected in this registry would allow scientific researchers and medical experts to target specific genetic abnormalities with existing drugs most effectively.


The registry will embody all brain tumor types, not just low grade gliomas.


Project Brain Child was selected from over 1190 other projects to be in the top 25. As of today, September 17, they are in 9th place.


They need to be one in fifth place or better to receive an award. Votes must be cast by September 28.


Any American Express cardholder may vote. If you don't have an American Express card, you can still help by spreading the word to your friends.


Brain tumors kill more children every year than all other diseases combined. Please help this effort.


(Copied and pasted from Steven's Page)

Oh, gee whiz.

My little big boy went to VBS last week.  I took him and dropped him off M-F for a few hours.  He had a great time.  He really did.  Logan and I enjoyed our time together - for the most part.  Every morning when we'd drop Chase off, Logan would FREAK out.  

"NO, MOM!  THAT'S MY CHASE!"  

He could be heard over hundreds of children in the gym.  He ended up with quite a reputation before the week was through.  Thank goodness I had the forethought to put him in the stroller.  If he'd been flailing in my arms, I'd have probably dropped him!

Toward the end of the week, my mom and grandmother came for a visit.  We went to the beach on Saturday morning.  It was only the second time we'd been to the beach since we moved here.  Chase isn't too sure about things still, because the water was so dangerous in Humboldt.  He was really worried when I got in the water here.  He finally relented and got in about ankle deep.  We're planning another drive to the beach when Daddy gets home, so hopefully Chase will start feeling better about it.  He also had a little girl flirting with him there.  He was so clueless.  She was an older woman, too... 7!  They were about the same height, so she didn't believe him when he said he was 5.  It was funny.

Little Logan was completely smitten by Nanny, my grandmother.  He has so much fun with her, and she really fits nicely around his little finger.  ;)  After bathtime one evening, I had gotten Logan out and wrapped him in a hooded towel.  I sent him looking for Grammy, my mom, to get dressed and powdered and whatnot.  He goes to the kitchen where Nanny is, whips open his towel and exclaims, "Look Nanny!  My PENIS!"  She'll be laughing about that one for a while, I think.  He's awfully proud of that thing...  

Logan has really started talking so well.  I think Stuart will be surprised when he gets home.  Chase is reading like a pro, too.  I purchased school clothes recently, and am cautiously optimistic about the start of school.  *sigh*

Oh...in other news, I chopped all my hair off last Friday.  It looks so much healthier, and is really sassy.  I like it.  I don't really miss my long hair at all.  Even in the humidity this style seems to be manageable.  AND my stylist only charged me $25 at a local day spa!  How great is that?!

I had to take a break

Today I've been working on some purging.  Our closet in the computer room/Man Cave has been out of control, filled with the things we just didn't want to deal with when we moved in.  I also cleaned out and organized the closet in the master bedroom, which needed to be done terribly.

I've figured out why I had been putting this off so long.  There were two large boxes full, plus a little in another box, of "keepsake" stuff from my childhood/teen years.  I suppose most people look back fondly on days gone by.  I so wish that were the case.

I found my school journal from third grade.  Each day in Mrs. Davies' class, we had to write two sentences about what was going on that day.  There were days where I was upset with someone, days I was proud of an accomplishment, and days that were simply "Today is Tuesday.  Tomorrow will be Wednesday."  A day in early February held reports of snow, and a few days later I commented that the snow would be melting and making everything soggy.  The last two days' worth of writing made my eyes fill with tears.  One day said, "We're going to look for a house in Kansas."  The next day said, "We are moving soon.  I don't know when."  I didn't write in that book again.  I don't remember how it all transpired, but I'm sure the next day was likely my last day of school at Central Elementary in Poteau.  

The move itself wasn't terribly traumatic.  I was leaving my friends and what I had known as home since I was 3.  My dad had been living in his Volkswagen bus in Kansas all ready, waiting for us to move up there.  He worked for the railroad.  I vividly remember Mom helping him get all packed up, and making curtains for the windows in the bus.  I remember Dad getting set up with a ceramic heater so that he wouldn't freeze up there in the early spring during the cold nights.  

I'm glad that we were able to be a family again.  I think we lived in Kansas something like 10 months?  I'm crushed that things ended so abruptly.  I remember being at a Brownie meeting a few weeks before I wrote in my journal, and my Brownie leader had mentioned that she heard I was moving to Kansas City.  I had no idea what she was talking about.  I was excited at the prospect of a new adventure.  My mom was so upset that Mrs. K had mentioned it to me.  Looking back, I feel upset that Mom hadn't mentioned it to me.  In fact, we weren't moving to Kansas City, we were moving to Arma, a town with a population of less than 1000.

I guess that's the benefit of a military family.  I don't know for a fact how far in advance my parents knew we were moving.  I do know that we'll usually have a decent bit of notice.  Maybe I subconsciously knew about the way I felt then...when I was 8 years old.  I started preparing Chase well in advance so that he'd know we were moving.  He'd have time to figure it out as much as he could in his head.  He told everyone we came across that we were moving to "Misses Tupsie", then to Alabama after we found our home and decided Stuart would commute.

My childhood friendships were stopped abruptly.  I lost touch with all of them.  I've found a few on myspace here and there, but what do you say to someone you've not talked to in 20 years?  Remember me?  I helped you with your homework when you broke your arm in 2nd grade.  

There were only a few things that I looked at fondly in the boxes.  Trips Stuart and I had made to the beach in high school.  Church camps that I'd gone to.  Awards and certificates from Mock Trial and Choir.

I can't really put it all into words.  I am so sad, though.  So sad.  It's upsetting to see the evidence in my "keepsake" box of my parents' marriage falling apart.  Of me drifting off into depression.  Gaining 40 lbs.  Becoming a recluse, and the butt of family fat jokes.  

It's so sad that things that happened so long ago are still so raw.  I know this is why I've put this off for so long.  

I really hope to provide my boys with love.  I want them to know that Stuart and I love each other and love them.  I don't want them to be afraid of us.  I don't want them to be ashamed of us (though I know every kid is embarrassed of their parents at one point or another).  I want them to look back fondly on the adventures we had as a family.  I want them to have pictures to look through and smile.  

I hope they never feel the way I feel right now.  I hope their past is something they feel excited about sharing.

Because I've been slacking in this area...

and by popular request...

A few Chase-ism's to start your day!

When we went to drop Dutchess off at the kennel before our trip, we were all in the car together.  The boys were excited that Dutch was riding with us, but then were concerned when we stopped at the Animal Barn.  Stuart got out to take her in, and both kids started wailing.

Chase said, "But Moooom!!!  I love my dog!  She's the perfect pet!  I just love my Dutchie!"

I explained that it was like "little Joey's" (what he calls La Quinta) just for dogs.  She was going to have special time and get to play with other dogs while we were gone.  

He wasn't convinced.

"Well, can we at least get a cat?"

***********************************************************************************

We were watching Chicken Little the other night as a family.  Both kids love it.  Logan cracks up and trys to act out the opening sequence when he's missed the bus.  

It gets to the part where Chicken Little's foot gets stuck in the gum in the cross walk.  Chase gets this mischievous look on his face and says:

"Hey, Mom!  Why'd the chicken cross the road?"

How he's even heard of that, I have no idea, but his timing was impeccable!

************************************************************************************

This one's a little sad...

Stuart left yesterday to head back to dry dock after spending some great family time with us.  We had to drive him to meet his ride in the GV back to Tampa.  I didn't anticipate this to go smoothly, to say the least.  The kids really love their Daddy.

Stuart gets out and hugs the kids goodbye.  The truck pulls out right in front of us.

Chase says, "Mom!  Can we follow them?"  The truck is heading north, the same direction we're going.

"No, baby.  Not today.  We've got to head home and Daddy's got to go back to the boat."  The truck gets on the interstate.

"But Mom, we just CAN follow them.  See?"  I continue on my northward trek, leaving behind the entrance ramp.

"Oh, okay... I guess you're right... Maybe next time..." he says very sadly.  

Both kids did do really well last night, though.  Not as much wailing and whining as I had anticipated.  I know I have some days of acting out ahead of me, and that's okay.  Sometimes I feel like acting out, too.  ;)

Laissez les bon temps rouler!

"Let the good times roll!"

and we did.

Here's a brief run down:

Day 1 - Saturday

We drove to Baton Rouge to meet my mom and her husband to drop the boys off.  I was worried about a major freak out with Logan, but he went happily.  Chase was really excited to head to Texas.  

It was so odd having an empty back seat.  After driving around for 5 1/2 years with at least one munchkin behind you, it's hard to get used to the quiet of a child-free backseat.  As we headed southeast, a HUGE storm rolled in.  It was thundering, lightning, and pouring buckets of rain.  I was so worried that it was an indication of what our weekend had in store for us.  I'm happy to report that I was wrong!

We checked in to the hotel and went up to our room.  To our surprise, we had a jacuzzi tub.  I wasn't expecting that, but I sure didn't complain!  We also had a balcony.  The view wasn't fantastic (the balcony was about 2 feet from a brick wall), but I enjoyed the vines and greenery right outside.  Plus we had the added bonus of being able to have the door open without anyone seeing in.  ;)

We headed out for some lunch.  It was a LATE lunch, at 3:30.  We traipsed a few blocks down the road to the Acme Oyster House.  We had some oysters on the half shell, a good beer, and split a seafood platter.  The cocktail sauce at this place was heavy on the horseradish, and I seriously could feel my nasal cavity BURNING with every bite.  It was fantastic torture.  After lunch we went wandering through the French Quarter a bit.  It's so nice to check out the iron work on the balconies, and admire the architecture.  I also enjoy the people watching.  

We got to town too late to do much of anything touristy, so we got dressed up and went to Harrah's for a while.  We played some penny slots, and left with a few more dollars than we came in with, so that was good.  Nothing too exciting to talk about, though.

We ended up hungry after a lot of walking in the sweltering heat, and weren't sure what to try for dinner.  If you've not been to New Orleans, the restaurants in the French Quarter usually have someone standing out front with a menu trying to entice you inside.  That really turns me off, and I didn't want to eat somewhere like that.  We found this little hole in the wall bar called Yo Mama's.  It wasn't very busy in there yet, and we sat down and had a drink and ordered burgers.  I had a mushroom burger, and Stuart got a plain one.  It was so good.  The mushrooms tasted like they had been marinated in whatever the meat was marinated in.  Soooo good.  The potato salad left a lot to be desired, though.  On the way back to the hotel, we walked down Bourbon Street, and we each got a Hand Grenade.  I have no idea what's in this drink, but it's the new "must try" beverage in NOLA.  It was tasty and VERY strong.  

Day 2 - Sunday

Sunday morning we woke up to rain.  Lots of rain.  We were planning to walk everywhere, because parking tends to be pricey and inconvenient.  Because of the rain, though, we couldn't even get to a shop to purchase an umbrella without getting soaked.  We drove to a nearby Walgreens and purchased two umbrellas.  Our plan for the day was to head to the Aquarium of the Americas, and maybe check out the IMAX.  

By the time we found a parking spot, the rain had almost stopped.  We hadn't been to the aquarium since August of 2002, when I was about 6 months pregnant with Chase.  It was really fun.  We both loved walking around and checking out all the exhibits.  I had a great time watching the penguin feeding.  The seahorse exhibit is one of my favorite.  I think they are amazing animals.  

Our movie didn't start until 2, so we had some time to kill after the Aquarium.  We strolled over to Bubba Gump's for lunch.  This was where we'd eaten almost 6 years ago.  It was really yummy, and our waiter had a good sense of humor.  This is also where I was introduced to Purple Haze.  I have a tendency to be a beer snob after living in Humboldt County, the land of breweries.  Purple Haze is a fruity, summertime beer, and very refreshing.  

After lunch, we headed to the IMAX to watch the Dolphins and Whales movie.  It was a 3D movie, which was fun.  It's hard for me to get used to the effects since I wear glasses.  It's hard to get everything lined up just so.  I love marine mammals, and was prepared to fall more in love with them during the film.  The effects and majesty were great.  The narration was not.  It was disappointing that the movie turned into an environmentalist guilt trip.  I have no problem trying to save the earth.  I want our children and their children to grow up being able to appreciate the various forms of life here.  I was just frustrated that the movie wasn't more about the animals and less about the not-so-hidden agenda.  stepping gracefully down off my soap box now

We took the car back to the hotel and changed clothes.  There was a creole tomato festival at the French Market, and we wanted to check it out.  We wandered down and walked around.  It was hot and crowded.  We did make one purchase, some Mardi Gras beads with a Coast Guard pendant.  It was the only one she had, and it was a great find!  We got the heck out of there, and walked through some shops.  Most of the souvenir shops were various layouts of the same crap, but the galleries and small businesses were fun to look in.  

Because this get away was such a treat, and an opportunity to explore ourselves as adults, individuals, and as a couple aside from being Mom and Dad, we made a pact to try new things and step outside our normal limits.  It was a nice challenge, and we had a much better time than I would have in the past.  I was really able to let go a little and have a good time.

Dinner on Sunday was at Pat O'Brien's.  I somehow managed to get to dinner without my camera.  I tried a drink called the Rainstorm, which was completely delicious.  Stuart and I shared a trio sampler of cajun cuisine, which included gumbo, crawfish etouffee, and jambalaya.  Oh.how.yummy.  It was spicy enough without being too spicy, and really a taste of home for us.  We also had the strawberry hurricane cheesecake, which was divine.

Day 3 - Monday

For whatever reason, Mondays are dead in New Orleans.  All of the museums, the Audobon wildlife parks, and quite a few businesses are closed.  We went down to the Riverwalk, though, and walked.  We watched a cruise ship moored up getting ready to leave.  We looked in nearly every shop in that center.  It was surprising to me how many shops in New Orleans had belly dance costumes and accessories.  

We had lunch at the Jackson Brewery, at a place called The Lazy River.  It wasn't until I checked the bank account that I realized it is a Pat O'Brien's restaurant.  LOL.  You'll see the humor in a minute.  I enjoyed another Purple Haze with my red beans and rice.  Mmmmm.  Southern cuisine.  

After lunch we headed back to the hotel and took advantage of the pool.  It was a beautiful day, and the saltwater pool was really soothing.  We were the only ones there for a while, so that made it even better.  

I really wanted to go back to Pat O'Brien's for dinner Monday night.  I wanted to dress up a little bit, have another Rainstorm, and go back armed with my camera.  I'm really glad we did.  I had crawfish cakes and Stuart had shrimp creole.  I had a Rainstorm and a Hurricane.  Our waitress informed us that the Rainstorm had 3.5 shots of liquor and the Hurricane had 4.  Uh, yeah.  I was a little giddy when we left.  OH!  I almost forgot the pecan pie we shared.  The pecan pieces were large, and the portion was generous.  It was yummy.  Beyond yummy.

We did a little more walking around and then turned in early.  I wasn't in any shape to do much of anything else.

Day 4 - Tuesday

I woke up at 4:30 Tuesday morning.  I was a little green around the gills from Monday night's beverages.  We had an early breakfast and got everything packed up.  We left early to head back to Baton Rouge to meet up with the kiddos.  The treat for me this day was that my mom, both sisters, and my grandmother were coming to bring the kids.  We hadn't all been together in about a year and a half.  We had lunch at Chili's and walked around the Tanger Outlet Mall for a few hours.

Our trip was fantastic.  I really want to take advantage of the boys being able to get away on their own with our family and Stuart and I being able to get away and recharge our relationship.  It was so nice to remind ourselves how fun it is to be friends and just hang out together.  I told him that the trip, for me, wasn't about me "falling in love all over again."  He looked at me a little funny.  I told him that I didn't feel like we'd fallen out of love at all, so I couldn't fall in love all over again.  We are completely head over heels still, and I love that.  We held hands, laughed, and completely enjoyed one another.  

I'm ready to plan our next trip now...  I know it'll be a little while, but we've got to make a point to reconnect like this more regularly.

The album of photos is available here for your viewing pleasure.

What a freaking day. **warning - graphic images**

I will preface this by saying that for about an hour and a half today, my children were remotely well-behaved, and I got to talk to a special friend on the phone.

Now, then.

I am finding more and more that there is only a 15 minute window in this "single mom" life where my home is presentable for company.  For those that know me, and know the chaos that can be my home, I've actually been doing a very good job keeping a tidy home.  Well, after the kids go to bed at night.  You'll get to see more in a moment...

I thought, a few days ago, that I'd buy a watermelon to share with the kiddos.  Chase ate a little, and Logan ate a lot.  Of course we wake up the next morning to a screaming, bleeding diaper rash.  It's on the mend now, but still really sore and really raw.  Diaper changes are torture for both of us.  Add to that his all ready lovely two year old attitude, and Logan is just a swell guy to be around.

For some reason, my home is being invaded by spiders.  Not just little pesky spiders.  I'm talking as big as or bigger than a 50 cent piece.  For example:

So, on top of the spider invasion, I forget that it's visitation night for the church.  Ugh.  It's 5 minutes to 7.  The kids just finished eating, I just came out of the bathroom, getting ready to do bath time.  The house is, well, I'll let it speak for itself:

I hear the knock at the door.  Thinking very unchurchly things, my kids screaming to go outside, me about half-dressed in grey and pink yoga pants and a black camisole, I answer the door.  There stands a very Southern older lady, all made up in her coordinating pantsuit with floral applique'.  Imagine the look I got.

*sigh*  

I grew up in a home that was never visitor-ready, and it made me embarrassed for friends to come over.  I have worked really hard to be better about keeping my home clean.  With Stuart gone, I'm struggling with the caring for kids, dog, myself and home all alone.  

Oh, and to top it off, Chase just saw me posting the picture of the living room and said, "Oh, what a mess!!!"  Yeah...NOW he notices...

I absolutely cannot wait until our New Orleans trip at this point.  I love my children with every ounce of my being, but I'm needing a break.  For real.

Oh, and I forgot to add the huge lump I found under Dutchie's right front leg.  It's like someone put a marble under her skin.  :(  We'll be getting her to the vet, and hoping it's nothing to worry about.  *sigh*

New skill

Well, no, it's not that the fridge is learning to rappel.  

It's actually, in fact, more along the lines of this:

In yet another "Daddy watching the boys" episode, Logan breaks into the fridge.  Chaos and disorder ensue.

Here's what happens when I get a break.  I leave for a couple of hours.  This particular day, I was going to get my hair cut.  The last time, it was to shop with a friend.  Both times, I've been gone just a little while, and I get the call:

"Babe, guess what your son just did..."

On Sunday, it seems that my son wanted something from the fridge.  He, in all of his two-year-old glory opened the fridge to get to the cupcakes that Nena sent home with me.  Instead of just eating them quickly, he placed one upside down on his head.  Then he smeared one in the carpet in the living room, and another on the wall.  Neat, huh?  He also thought that the picture of a strawberry on the Cool Whip container indicated that there were actually strawberries inside.  In his disappointment, he got Cool Whip everywhere, after letting a plush toy swim in it for a while.

My response?

"You're fired.  You suck as a babysitter."

Hubby says, "Fine.  I'll just pack my stuff up and leave tomorrow."  (Headed back to dry dock.)

Touche'.

...and I still had to clean the wall and carpet ~ Figure that one out...

It's official

Hotel is booked.  Kids are goin' to Grammy's, Aunt Ame's, and Grandma's.

Mom and Dad are goin' to New Orleans!  I cannot wait!!!  Absolutely cannot wait.

I used Priceline to book.  My sister does this ALL the time to book hotels.  We got almost 1/2 off of the advertised sale on Orbitz.  The only catch is the ungodly parking cost, but that's at EVERY hotel in NOLA.  

I'm so excited.  I'm ready for a couple of easy days sans kids.  I love my children dearly.  I really do.  I'm just growing weary of the single mom lifestyle.  I miss my best friend, my confidante, and my love.  I'm so looking forward to sleeping in - or not.  ;)  I am ready to stroll the streets hand in hand.  I cannot wait to eat dinner slowly, able to carry a real conversation.  

Just a few weeks away!  Woo hooo!

The apple doesn't fall far...

A little before 1:00 am, the screams could be heard in my home.  I was roused from a finally deep sleep by screaming and blood.  LOTS of blood.  It was Chase.  There was blood ALL over his hands, his pants, his face, his shirt.  It took me a minute to figure out what was going on.

He was having a nose bleed.  It was pouring.  Now, if you don't know Chase, he's a little on the sensitive side.  He's really freaked out by the sight of blood.  He's obsessed with Band-Aids and Neosporin.  Honestly.  Most kids ask to walk down the toy aisle first thing when they go shopping, but Chase asks if we can look at the Band-Aids.  

I wake up enough to move him to the bathroom.  This is where he freaks the heck out.  He saw the blood and started jumping and flinging his hands.  I was trying to hold some tissue to his nose to stop the bleeding and he was fighting me.  Blood sprayed all over my ivory shower curtain.  

Logan, at this point wakes up screaming bloody murder, too.  When he gets woken up , he wants to be held, and he was angry that all my focus was on brother.  So I had a kid freaking, with blood everywhere, and a kid pulling on me to pick him up.

I finally explained to Chase that I knew he was scared, but I used do have nose bleeds, too.  He didn't need to worry, we just needed it to stop.  When I say I used to have nose bleeds, too, I don't mean just a couple times in the winter when the air was dry.  

In second grade, I had 63 documented nose bleeds at school.  On every permission slip for every field trip, my mom wrote "frequent nose bleeds" under medical conditions.  The doctors couldn't do anything about them, but they finally stopped when I hit puberty.  (gotta love that irony, right?)

We finally got the nose bleed to stop.  I sprayed some stain remover on my shower curtain and got it in the wash.  I got him cleaned up, and everyone jumped in Mommy's bed to snuggle and get a couple more hours of sleep.

I honestly hope he doesn't get them with the frequency I had them.  He was a trooper, though, once he realized he wasn't hemorrhaging or something.  

Yee haw.

My fantasy

To eat, to chew -

To chew, perchance to dine

This is my fantasy.  I want an uninterrupted meal, with no one to wait on.  No one needing food cut up.  

In an ideal world, I would prepare the food, a la June Cleaver.  I'd wear my lovely half apron, a string of pearls, and be just a perfect little wifey.  The mashed potatoes would be creamy and tasty, and the gravy - well, I'd know how to make gravy.  

Once my adoring sons and husband were seated at the table, I would bring in dinner.  No, it's not suitable to just serve it from the pot!  Serving dishes are required!  Plates are dished up, my children LOVE the food, and my husband actually tastes it before seasoning it.  Everyone waits until I am seated comfortably, we say grace, and dine together.

In reality, my adoring children are very picky.  We serve our food straight from the pot, unless I've made a salad of some sort.  My husband never tastes ANYTHING without seasoning it first.  It's a little quirk that's still as quirky 13 years later.  

Even if we all start out seated at the same time, say grace, and begin eating, I hardly ever get a bite before it's cold.  Honestly.  I get a bite halfway to my mouth, and someone needs more ketchup.  Get it, sit down, now the other needs more corn.  Oh, sure while I'm up...

When hubby's gone, it's only worse.

Taking the kids out isn't really any easier.  Yes, someone is serving the food for us.  Someone else has the leg work.  We have the added challenge of keeping the food and hands in our eating area.  Oh, and keeping the noise level somewhere below jet aircraft.

I'm so looking forward to a few days' vacation with my hubby.  To sit and eat together, and enjoy a meal.  That's a real fantasy of mine.

Oh, just rip my heart out

So I wrote a blog earlier on the Waiting for Ships site about missing housing.  Obviously I haven't talked about any of this with the boys.  I don't ever bring up our old house, because I don't want Chase to be confused.

On the way home from town today, this was our discussion:

C- "Mom, what's wrong with our house?"

M- "What do you mean, sweetie?"

C- "Our old house, Mom.  What's wrong with it?"

M- "Which house, Chase?"

C- "You know, the one where we lived in California!  What's wrong with it?"

M- "Why do you think something's wrong with it?"

C- "It's just sad.  Our old house is sad."

M- "Why is our house sad, baby?"

C- "It misses us, Mom.  He misses me."

How heart wrenching is that?  It's funny that he misses that house so much because this one is much newer and nicer.  I guess he's like his Daddy, and that CA house just felt like "home" to him.  We've only been here about 8 weeks.  I know he'll start feeling better here.

Then we get home, and Logan had fallen asleep in the car.  I unloaded the groceries and went back to get him.  I picked him up, and he mumbled, "Dad?  Oh, Daddy!"

*sigh*  These kiddos are so strong, and so resilient.  I hope we get to see Daddy soon.

I need a time out

It is amazing to me that there is no such thing as a day off.  Not evening an evening off.  Not even on Mother's Day weekend.

What a crock.

I'm not going to expand, but I'm NOT happy this morning.

Rawr

I am married to a fine specimen of the human race.  That's all I have to say.

~meow~

My little girl

I talk about the boys quite a bit, but haven't really shared much about my little girl.  

Nah, she's not a daughter in the traditional sense, but she's my furbaby.

After I had Logan, Stuart and I decided we wanted a dog.  Not a puppy - a dog.  We looked at a few different websites, and on Petfinder, we found about 4 dogs we were interested in.  We did a little more research on whether the dog would be a good fit with our family.  A couple of the dogs were given new homes before we could get to them.  We had given up hope, decided to just wait.  We thought that maybe it wasn't the right time.  

I'm gonna let you in on a little secret:  If I'm told something isn't going to happen, but I really want it to happen, I keep looking.  I accept that the timing, finances, and/or practicality isn't right, but what does it hurt to look?

Then I found the most BEAUTIFUL dog.  She was a boxer mix - the breed Stuart and I both loved.  She was brindle, and favored Stuart's dog that he had growing up.  She was good with kids, and had good reviews.  I was SO afraid we wouldn't get to her in time.  She was over 3 hours away.

In e-mailing back and forth, I got to know a little more about Dutchess.  She had been surrendered with another, smaller dog.  The smaller dog was adopted quickly, but she'd been there a while now.  She had a great personality and was really patient.  They were able to take her in the kitten room with them at the shelter and she just sat quietly.  She was fixed, and would be microchipped before she was able to leave the shelter.  

The kicker - if she wasn't adopted by the end of the week, they were going to have to put her down.  She was half price to try to entice someone to take her.  I e-mailed every possible question and BEGGED them please to just hold her until Stuart's day off.  

We got there and took the kids inside.  She walked right up to Logan, who was almost 5 mos and sniffed him and gave him one little kiss.  She played with me and Chase.  She sat.  She was well behaved.  

She was ours.

We have been SO blessed to have this animal in our lives.  I wonder about her background - her past.  I know she has stories in there that I wouldn't believe.  I'll have to write about that another day, though.

She was housebroken.  She was PERFECT with the kids.  Never aggressive with her food or toys.  She still is great with them.  She has a little growl especially for Chase if he's climbing on her or annoying her.  It clearly says, "Please, leave me alone."  She's much nicer about it than I would be.  LOL!  He loves her dearly, and calls her always "Dutchie", never "Dutchess".

Oh, and Stuart says she's MY dog.  Let me show you something:

 This is a picture of "my" dog when Stuart has been gone for a few days.  She's at the loveseat by the front door pouting for him to come home.  The other day she was on the back of the loveseat while I was online with her head on my shoulder pouting because she missed him so much.  Mmmm hmmmm.  My dog.

Today we had such fun.  Stuart was home for a whopping day, so it was tough on all 3 of the "kids" when he left.  We decided to play hide and seek.  Every time it was my turn to hide, though, Dutchess would cheat!  If I hid in the closet, she'd crouch right at the closet door and bark to alert Chase.  If I was behind the door, she was at the door, tipping him off.  It was quite unfair.  

I decided to let her play hide and seek, if that was what she wanted.  I took her orange toy (it's a rubber dog toy that looks like a jack) and hid it.  I'd have her sit and stay in the living room, and then I'd hide it in one of the bedrooms in the back.  She was SO happy to play hide and seek with her toy.  We played two different times today.  She was smiling and so pleased with herself.  There was only one time she couldn't find it.  She was hysterical to watch!  She even thought I'd hidden it on the bookshelf in the boys' room, so she stood up on Logan's bed on her hind legs trying to sniff up there.  It was adorable.

I can't wait until Daddy gets home so that he can see my pretty Dutchie's new game.  :)

This just in...

I'd mentioned on CC's a while back (can't remember whether I mentioned it here) that the hubs and I were considering a cruise this summer.  Well, with the possibility of him going to EMT school, him being in drydock, Chase starting school early, and the 100%+ cost increase during the summertime months, we've decided to hold off on the cruise.  

Instead, we'll be going to New Orleans for 4 days!  WOOO HOOOO!  Last time we went, I was pregnant with Chase.  There was no drinking, and a LOT of waddling.  Since I'm starting WW this week, it'll give me time to be at LEAST 15 lbs down, if not more.  I'm not a big drinker, but it'll be nice to have the option of an adult beverage.  

We're looking at taking the Jazz Dinner Cruise and really having a good time.  Oh, and a king sized bed with no kids or dog.  :)

Also, my sweet man told me that for our 10th anniversary (in 2 years) he wants to go to an all-inclusive resort for a week or so.  He's thinking Turks and Caicos or the like.  Isn't he the best?

It's nice to have things to look forward to.  

Life isn't a dress rehearsal

You know those cliche' things that you hear repeatedly?  Do you ever really think about them?

I was chatting with my friend Sonya a few days ago, and we were talking about changes in my attitude and perspective.  We were talking about all kinds of things, frankly.  I told her how important it was to me to have a beautiful bedroom.  I have satin sheets on my bed, scarves hung from the ceiling as a canopy, curtains on the windows, and pretty things in there.  I've never had a room that was beautiful like this, and my parents certainly never had a bedroom that was an oasis - a retreat.

She then said, "You know, Amber, life isn't a dress rehearsal.  You've got to make the most of it while you can."

I'll tell you I've heard that saying so many times before, but it really started to sink in the other day.  I do need to make the most of each day.  

Today I got some news that made me appreciate that advice even more.  You know, we never know how many days we're going to be here.  We don't know how many more kisses we have to give, hugs left to offer, tears to shed.  We aren't guaranteed that we'll wake up tomorrow.  There's no promise that we'll see the kids grow up and have kids of their own.  

I'm not trying to be all doomsday and negative.  Quite the contrary.  Because we aren't guaranteed anything in this life, we need to take advantage of every moment.  Kiss like you'll never see him again.  Hold your children like it's the last time.  Tell your friends you love them and the impact they've had on your life.  Stop your bad habit that you've been wanting to change.  Find a friend you lost contact with.  Say I'm sorry.  Forgive someone.  

The truth is, this is the life we're getting.  It's up to us to make the most of it.  There's no understudy, and there's no do-over.  This is it.  

Go break a leg.  ;)

Goofy kiddo

These boys are too much sometimes.  They really are.  Usually it's a good Chase story to share, but this evening is Logan's turn.  Since he ditched the binky, he's quite the little conversationalist.  He thinks so, anyway.  It's always interesting to try to figure out what exactly he's trying to say when he tries to say big words.

After dinner, the boys wanted a couple of Ritz crackers for a snack.  Logan's been really bad about just crushing a snack and letting the dog clean it up.  I heard the crackers crunching, but not hitting the floor.  He comes running up to me and says, "Heeuh!  abozzabee!"

Now.  I know that the first word is "here".  The next concoction of sounds was really stumping me, though.  He said it again, and this time crammed a piece of broken cracker in my mouth.  Then it dawned on me.

Garbanzo beans.

Not familiar with the picture?  It's from a show called Zoboomafoo.  The lemur eats - you guessed it - garbanzo beans.  What a thing for a 2 year old to be trying to say...

Du Nuh Nuh Nuh Na Nuh...

"They say it's your birthday!!!!"

Yup.  It is.  What a year this one's been!  Better than that, what a DAY!

I woke up this morning and the kids were rip roarin' to go.  Chase said, "Mommy, is it your birthday?  Where is your cake and all your boxes?"  Made me feel really good in a way, because he knows that birthdays are a special day around here.  Made me a little sad because Stuart's not here and there's no way I was going to bake myself a cake and whatnot.

I made the boys some breakfast and tried to decide what I wanted for myself.  I was needing a little comfort food, so I had some Quaker Old Fashioned Oats.  I know, oatmeal may not seem like comfort food, but my Nanny used to make it for me every morning when I'd stay at her house.  In fact, she insisted on making me a bowl when we stayed there last month.  :)  To make it even more special, I picked myself some strawberries off my plant out back.  It was a nice breakfast.

About 2 bites into my oatmeal, the phone rang.  It was about 8:25, I guess.  It was my dad calling to wish me a happy birthday.  I talked for a couple of minutes, and heard the phone beep.  It was my new friend, Leah, calling with an exuberant "HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!"  It was great.  :)  I called her back after finishing with Dad.

I did some chores around here and took a shower - a treat any day, but especially on my birthday!  It's funny.  When you're a SAHM of preschoolers, a shower is such an extravagance.  I fed the boys lunch and we got dressed to go to town.  Of course, I'd had some computer time during the morning, and had mentioned that I'd be picking up trash bags.  My Coastie Chicks are always good for a laugh and an inside joke or two.  ;)

We left to go to town.  I intended to go to Target and head home.  In the parking lot at Target, Chase asked if we could go to Kohl's.  SURE!!!  I was just going to window shop, because I don't have extra money to be going on a shopping spree.  He wanted to help and push Logan in the stroller.  He was pushing a little faster than I'd like, and not steering very well.  I was trying to quickly scan the racks and keep him from knocking down all the displays in the aisle, when I realized that my phone was ringing.  

It was my Nanny and two sisters.  They were eating lunch together and had me on speakerphone.  Mind you, I'm still in Kohl's.  Chase at this point was out of control with the stroller and was ADAMANT that he had to push.  Uh, wrong-o, buddy.  We left.  *snort*  I was still trying to fight the speakerphone to understand portions of the conversation with my sisters and grandmother.

Once off the phone with them, I headed into WalMart to retrieve the aforementioned garbage bags.  I also picked up a wide brimmed hat for when I mow the yard.  It was a whopping $3 on clearance.  I've noticed that since there is sunshine here, my freckles are getting pretty bad the longer I'm outside.  Go figure, right?  I am using sunscreen on my face, but a hat won't hurt.  Okay, don't tell anybody, but I picked up a couple of things from the bakery.  I got each of us a little triangle pastry for after dinner.  It IS my birthday, after all.

I got home, and Logan had fallen asleep in the car.  I brought Chase in, carried in the bags from the store, and brought Logan in.  Chase reminded me to check the mail, and I'm SO glad I did!  My mailbox was nearly full!  I had cards from Alaska, California, Wisconsin, Tennessee, Virginia, Ohio, Maine, and Texas.  You know I'm working on my self-worth, and these cards were certainly humbling.  Wow.  To know that so many people think of me so fondly was really, really nice.  It made my whole day.  Oh, and you have to see my mantle!!!!  

I got an e-mail with some pretty good news not long after checking the mail, and thought maybe I was going to have a pretty fantastic birthday, after all.  A great friend called - for the second day in a row, at that - with a family serenade for me.  It was great!  It was nice to have such a special and personal acknowledgement of my day.  Of course, there was a beep...a call on the other line...Computer and Printer emergency in CA.  Okay, I'll call right back... Back to chatting, relaying my beautiful surprise in the mail.

Drip.  Drip.  Drip.

Oh, no.  That can't be.  It's not...

the washing machine.

Yeah, you should probably let me go...

Sop up the water on the floor with a towel as I finish cooking myself some dinner and call to try to solve the computer mystery.  Luckily it wasn't a problem at all, just a minor communication glitch between the chair and keyboard.  Phone beeps again.  I swear, everyone has to talk to me at the same time today!

I called my Mom back a little while later and was telling her about my day.  About the great socks I got from Alaska, about the washing machine, etc.  Of course, since I'm on the phone, the kids need to talk to me RIGHT NOW.  That's how it works, you know.  This time it was completely worth it.  The boys had finished their dinners and were having their dessert.

Mom?  Happy Birthday!  Here's your cake!  Blow out your candle, okay?

mom!! Ha Budday!!!

My little (big) boy had taken his bendy straw out of his glass of water and stuck it plum in the middle of his pastry.  I guess all day it had really been bothering him that I didn't have a cake.  Logan chimed right in with birthday wishes.  He held out a bite of his pastry, offering it to me nanoseconds before shoving it in his mouth.  Not Chase.  His straw was my candle, and his pastry was my cake.  I insisted that he eat it, but that was probably the most special little cake ever.  

Thinking "out loud" again

So my whole back to school situation has been in the forefront of my mind lately.  Actually, the last couple of days, it's gotten pushed back a couple of notches, but hopefully I can fix that soon...

Anyhoo...

I was thinking, wondering, pontificating, pondering, whatever you want to call it.  Since I don't have a lot of expendable income right now (translated: minimal, if any), maybe I could work toward an AA with a certificate in Human Services.  This school is affordable for military spouses.  Quite affordable, actually.  I could finish my degree quickly if they will accept credit transfers from Lamar University, where I attended after high school.  I also think that this would give me an opportunity to get my feet wet in a couple of psychology and sociology classes and figure out which direction I'd like to go for a Bachelor's.

These classes should transfer credits toward a Bachelor's degree, right?

Thoughts?  Input?  

Please don't be afraid to give me an honest answer.  I've got to see if I can get a transcript from LU, and see how many credits transfer.  I hope most of them do, because if that's the case I'd be SET as far as the core classes go.  

I just really want to get going.  I'm needing something more right now than diapers, screaming kids, and yoga pants.  Plus, I have to admit, I'm a little jealous of my husband.  He's on a boat with a group of guys that he gets along with.  He gets to sleep.  Actually sleep.  There's talk of him going to a couple of schools that will offer him amazing experience as well as college credit.

Maybe I'm just having a big fat pity party and want something for me.  

But, just maybe I deserve it.  Maybe I really am finally finding my calling.

Finding myself.

Progression and Exhaustion

The strawberry plant is my pride and joy right now.  I purchased it when we moved here a few weeks ago.  It had a few blooms on it, but was in the 50% off pile at Target because it was wilted and seemingly lifeless.  In a matter of a few weeks, it is bearing fruit!  I'm so happy!  The top pic was March 25.  The next pic was April 8, and the pic after that was yesterday.  

I ate that beauty last night.  It was juicy and oh, so sweet.

Speaking of sweet...

Logan was so pooped at the table that he pushed his cereal bowl away and fell asleep, still holding onto the spoon.  How cute is he?

My day today

I am so stinking tired!  It's 9:15, and I am just plain pooped.  

This morning I got up, cooked breakfast, cleaned the kitchen, got dressed.  We played and played, which was fun.  The boys' new favorite game is to throw baby wipes at each other because it makes a kind of slappy sound.  It's silly, but fun.  Oh, and they each only get 2 wipies, so it doesn't waste a whole package.

I had to figure out what was wrong with Paintshop Pro on my other computer because I needed to make a tag for Angela K.  I was supposed to get it done a week or so ago and couldn't get it done.  (after she approves it, I'll share)  :)

Somewhere in here I made lunch.  It's a little foggy at this point.  I did 2 loads of clothes, too, but haven't folded them.  Still.  I watered the plants out front.  They're really beautiful.  I was using a watering can instead of dragging the hose.  Of course, my luck, there was a bird in one of my hanging baskets.  I nearly had a heart attack.  I am SO scared of birds.  I'm also freaked that maybe there is a nest in the plant and I'm drowning some eggs or something.  There's no way I'm looking in there, though.

I got a phone call from one of the ladies in my new Sunday School class.  She wanted to schedule a play date at a park on Friday.  Hopefully that goes well.  I'm hoping I didn't forget about something and have to reschedule.  I've been really bad about that lately.

The rain clouds came rolling in just as I was starting to mow my huge back yard.  Figures.  I got most of it done, then ran out of gas.  I seriously only had 3 passes left.  I'm completely anal and have to have straight lines in my yard.  If I'd been smart (and less obsessive) I'd have done the part nearest the house first and then just the back of the yard at the fenceline would have been long.  Oh well.

Come inside and it's time to start dinner.  Chase helped me make meatloaf, mashed potatoes and corn.  He was so excited to help stir the meat, breadcrumbs, tomato sauce, and egg together.  I put the meat in the muffin tin and he patted it down to pack it in.  He was such a help!  I made instant potatoes because I have a HUGE box of them that Sonya gave me before we moved.  Stuart isn't here, and the kids don't notice a difference.  Chase stirred the potatoes, too.  He ended up eating 2 little meatloaves (muffin size), 2 helpings of mashed potatoes, and a fair amount of corn.  Logan ate a lot of potatoes and some corn but not so much meat.

Get the potato covered toddler out of his seat, and give the boys a bath.  In the process I got mashed potatoes all over my black t-shirt.  (this info will come in handy in a bit)  The boys splashed and played in the tub, and I ran to the dining table real fast to wipe the potatoes off the table.  If I hadn't that would've been the first place Logan ran, and the bath would've been in vain.  Luckily the bath was cut short.

Jammies are on and the kids are settling in to watch the Good Night show on Sprout.  I hear something outside and notice a van out front.  It's a couple of older men.  My living room is a mess, the boys are in jammies and wanting to run out the front door to greet these people that they don't know.  I sneak out the front door, closing it behind me.  They were some really great men from the church.  They live nearby and wanted to give me their names and numbers in case I need anything while Stuart is underway.  They were very insistent that they meant it, and I could call anytime.  They reminded me of my Pop, which made me feel good and very sad at the same time.  We chatted for a minute and then I hugged them before they left...Sweaty, mashed potato covered shirt and all.  

I had a telecommute call with Sonya to help her set up a new printer.  The kids left me alone most of the call, then Logan started in with "I sweepy!   I sad!"  

Got off the phone, got Logan to sleep, and now waiting for Chase to settle in and give up.  He's being still, just not going to sleep.

I am so tired.  I could really use a hug and a snuggle.  Oh, and apparently they are wanting to send Stuart to an EMT school, which I'm really proud of.  He's excited and honored.  I hope it works out for him.  The school is only 3 weeks long, and it's in California.

Okay, I've got to get this big boy to go to sleep.  

I'd really like to take a bath and try to get some sleep myself...

A follow-up

Eh, you know how I am.  If I'm thinking about something I have to lay it all out there to work through it.

After being encouraged in my previous post to look into some websites and literature, I've done a lot of reading and testing, trying to figure out career-wise where I would fit.  Better yet, what would fit me.

In my previous post I was afraid to mention that I'd like to be a counselor or therapist.  I've felt that way for a long time and always said I'd get too wrapped up in things to do that.  At that time it was true, by the way.  There was no way for me to separate myself from someone else's crisis or tension.

Each time I took a test, Counseling, Therapy, Social Work, and Psychiatry were listed.  Every single time.  I've been working with a psychotherapist with over 25 years of experience.  First working on belly dance choreography, then helping her get some things organized.  I have developed a true friendship with a woman who is an amazing professional.  She's helped me work through some inner struggles and helped me realize things about people in general.  She and I have both shared very openly about our weaknesses and strengths.  We certainly compliment each other in a lot of ways.

Last week we were chatting, and she had to let me go quickly to get to an appointment.  Before she got off, she said this, "Amber, you can do anything if you can just find your confidence.  You have the personality, you have people skills, you have EVERYTHING.  You just need to find your confidence and there is NO LIMIT to what you can do."

She finished by telling me how young I still am and that I really needed to think about what she said.  

...and obviously I haven't given it a second thought.  *snort*

The long and longer of this is to please keep me in your prayers.  I'm doing a lot of searching.  The thing is, even if I NEVER get a job.  If I NEVER utilize the education, I would LOVE to immerse myself in this field.  

My goal isn't to find a job.  I don't have to work right now.  I am enjoying being able to raise the kids and stay home with them.  My goal is to fill some gaps intellectually.  I really am longing to learn.  I'm a completely different person than I was 10 years ago in a lot of ways.  I'm ready to work hard at being a student in one way or another.

I'll keep you posted.

Oh, good grief

Chase is just full of it.  We were singing and dancing around the living room just now, going through our repertoire of church songs and just fun run around and dance songs.  We get to Zacchaeus.   

I have a habit, I must interject, of singing a few lines and then stopping to make the kids sing the rest of the line.  It's fun, and we all usually get a good laugh out of it.

So, we sing about the wee little man one time all together.  Chase sings the words correctly.  We start round number two: "Zacchaeus was a wee little..." I trail off.

"KOALA!!!"  Chase screams triumphantly.  

"No, son, he wasn't a Koala.  He was a wee little man."

"But Mooooom, he was in a sycamore tree.  You know, like a koala."

"Sweetie, koalas like eucalyptus trees, not sycamore.  Trust me."

"Oh, okay..."

Hit me with your best shot -

Along with my post on introspect, I'd like to solicit advice.

Growing up in a small town, most of the girls I went to school with are now teachers, in the medical profession, or work at a plant.  Truthfully, there weren't many options presented to me for my future.  We took the career placement recommendation test, and mine got lost.  No lie.  I never got the results.  

I graduated from high school, and majored in Elementary Education, along with 90% of my friends.  I took a few semesters and didn't feel like it was the place for me.  In the midst of that, I got married, moved to a large city, and got a job doing clerical work.  I made decent money and wasn't concerned about finishing my degree and becoming a teacher.

As I've matured, by leaps and bounds, I know that I could finish my degree, but I would not be satisfied.  I think our children deserve to be taught by passionate educators, not a person that just wanted to finish a degree.

Aside from seeking guidance from on high, via prayers of discernment and trying to listen to what God has to say, where do I look?  What do I do?

There are things that interest me:  graphic design, writing, massage therapy, teaching adults, encouraging others, and organizing.  What do these things add up to?  I have no idea.  

I would love to figure out which courses I should take and begin applying to schools.  Chase starts school in the fall, and Logan in a few years.  It would be great to be able to do something for myself and try to fulfill my own intellectual needs.

How do 17 and 18 year olds decide what they want to do for the next 30+ years and have a satisfying experience?  Good for them, is all I have to say.  I've been out of high school for 10 years and still don't know what I want to be when I grow up.

My sweet little man

A Chase-ism to start the day:

He got to visit Toys R Us with his Daddy and brother on Saturday.  He was amazed and tried to convince Stuart he needed a guitar and a tool bench.  So last night we were talking about where we'd been during the day.  He was talking about how Wal Mart had Band Aids and whatnot, then Toys R Us came up out of the blue.

"Mom, I know about Toys R Us... They have lots of toys and games, and books there!  And GUITARS!"

"oh yeah?" I say.  "That's great!"

"But, what's Babies R Us?  Is that where you buy babies?"

*snort*  "Uh, no, sweetie.  You don't BUY babies there."

"Oh, so you just get to look at 'em?" he asks sincerely.

I about busted a gut laughing at his innocence.  Then Stuart explained that Babies R Us is where you buy diapers, baby toys, baby beds, and that kind of thing.  They sell things FOR babies, not babies.  

"So do they have baby Band Aids there?"

We assured him that if a baby needed a Band Aid, Babies R Us would be able to meet that baby's needs.  ROFL.

Introspective

I'm feeling really introspective lately.  I think stress does that to a person.  Well, it does me, anyway.

What am I thinking about?  Anything, really, that I feel I need to improve, modify, or completely eliminate to be the best me I can be.  

I've started a new blog.  I would appreciate encouragement and support.  The months of March and April have been more than a change of season for our family.  We've moved from a climate that was generally foggy and chilly to a warm, muggy locale.  We've got a new home that we're finally getting accustomed to.  The biggest change is yet to come...the day Daddy's boat goes out for a while.

In order for me to support the kids and coach them through this adjustment, I need to be ready to tackle it head-on for myself.  I've got to have things in place that will allow me to wallow, be angry, be afraid, and not know what to do - without the kids catching the brunt of it.  

I've gotten systems going in the house where I'm able to keep the clutter under control.  I just realized, though, that there's one room I HAVE to get tackled in the next day or 2 because I have company coming on Saturday.  The room is dubbed The Man Cave because it's where the computer and extra TV are and Stuart can be found there about 70% of the day.  *eye roll*  It's been our catch-all for the boxes and general crap that we had stored in the garage.  

I've got to figure out a menu that's appropriate for a mommy and her little guys.  I've always cooked for a crew, so it'll take some adjusting.  I've got to get some priorities straight with my health and taking care of myself.  

I've done a lot of looking at relationships and trying to eliminate or reduce contact with people that aren't healthy for me.  I've done a darned good job at that in the last year.  Really.  I'm proud of myself for that.  I think that I've got some hard work ahead of me still, but I know I can do it.

I can do anything with prayer, support, and love.  I have to remember that.  

Whirlwind

I feel like I'm in a crazy whirlwind right now. Time is in fast-forward, I think. The movers come in 1 week and 2 days. They came out yesterday to do an estimate and figure out how long it'll take to pack and load. Crazy stuff.

We're trying to wrap up doctor's appointments, dental vists, and vet check-ups. Trying to weed out clothes that don't fit or won't be seasonally appropriate for living in the south.

In the midst of it all, I'm working part time, Stuart has a birthday, and I have a belly dance performance.

To top it off, I'm pooped! Seriously tired. I want to lay in bed all day one day. I need to feel rested before this all hits a climax. I don't think it's gonna happen, but it's nice to dream, eh?

Hi

I'm stalling...

I'm supposed to be cleaning right now, but I don't wanna.

=( My little house here looks so sad. There are no pictures on the walls, none of my candles, all my cute kitchen stuff has been taken down.

I weeded through the boys' clothes last night. (I blogged about that experience on the Waiting for ships... page) The carpet guys are coming, oh, in a couple of hours. I have picked up the stuff off the floor - mostly. I ran the vacuum. They're just giving an estimate, though, so it'll be all right.

I really need to clean the kitchen, and I just don't wanna. I want to sit on my bootie, drink some tea, and do NOTHING.

Instead, Chase is at the dentist - AGAIN -, I've got to get to the Post Office, deal with the carpet stuff, take a friend to town to run an errand, then I have belly dance tonight. At some point in there I hope to grab some lunch and maybe give my husbands and kids a hug or two.

If you find the laundry fairy, send her my way. I've got about 5 loads still to wash. Oh, and if you find the "easy" button from Staples that works on PCS stuff, that'd be great, too.

*hrumph*

Shocking, isn't it?

I've gotten more than a few frantic e-mails and personal messages lately asking if I was okay. LOL! Apparently I have a habit of spending just a little time online, and when I miss that time, it's noticed. =D I assure you that I'm all right. Also, a great big "I love ya!" to those who have checked on me.

Man, I'll tell you, I don't know if I'm coming or going.

Wait. What was that? Oh, my backside. I guess I'm going right now.

I'm so exhausted that I'm pretty sure this blog won't make much sense. A quick recap for those that may not know what's going on.

1) The packers come in 2 weeks. ~~should be 'nuff said~~
2) I've been SICK this week. I guess it's allergies, but i'm drained.
3) I've spent most every free moment doing some work for a great friend. It's work I enjoy, and the companionship is wonderful! While I'm there, though, my chores at home aren't doing themselves.

I won't bore you with whining and carrying on. Well, not anymore. ;)

For the next few weeks I'll be a little out of touch. I'm hoping once we get to Mobile and get settled, though, I'll be back with a vengeance. Within reason, that is.

*sigh*

Man, there's no kind of guilt in the world worse than feeling like you've let your kid down. Nothing.

Chase is 5. He's a sweet, sweet boy. He's counting to 100, he's starting to read a little. He's growing into a big boy right in front of my eyes.

But I've failed him. I know that sounds melodramatic, but it's true.

I was 22 when Chase was born, thought I held the world on a string, and had been through the wringer in a lot of ways. Honestly. I was working full time, Stuart was working full time. Chase went to daycare. Between me being lazy and the daycare not helping, Chase used a bottle until his 2nd birthday. If I'd only realized what I was doing to my poor baby.

Last month he woke up screaming because his tooth hurt. We weren't on dental yet, but took him in to have it checked out. He had an infection in his molar. They put him on 10 days of antibiotics and said for him to come back to have it filled and possibly a cap or crown put on.

Today was the appointment. He completed his antibiotics, but his infection is back. They weren't able to fill the tooth. In fact, he's going to be on antibiotics again, and they're just going to pull the tooth next week and put a spacer in.

I feel horrible. For one, I've never been strict enough about tooth brushing. I was blessed with hearty teeth and have never had a cavity. (knock on wood) Stuart has really weak enamel and has had MANY dental problems. It looks like Chase inherited that.

So this is just a big old sigh from a mommy that feels really guilty. It sucks to know that I could've done something to prevent this. It sucks more to know that my little guy has been enduring pain and will again next week because of my oversight and laziness.

Dangit. I'm so sorry, little guy. :(

Divine Intervention

This past Tuesday was the first time I'd been back to belly dance since before Christmas. Stuart's schedule, Chase's dental stuff, and just LIFE had gotten in the way.

I was standing in my bathroom brushing through my hair, and I chided myself. We have two great instructors in this area for belly dance, and I hadn't taken advantage of both. I realized, as I was standing there, that I only had about 5 weeks left here and right before a move wasn't the time to put money into doubling up on dance classes. I didn't completely beat myself up about it, but I was pretty disappointed.

I got to the studio for class and climbed the stairs. I greeted and was greeted, gave hugs, etc. My friend Shannon came up to me and said something like, "Hey, I need to talk to you..."

Shannon, by the way, is a gorgeous girl. Ebony hair, beautiful eyes, and a magnificent personality. She tells me she's starting some graduate level classes and won't be able to finish out her class card with Shoshanna. Would I like her to transfer it to my name?

Now, if you know me, you won't be surprised to hear that my eyes filled with tears, though I tried really hard for it not to show. Without knowing Stuart's duty schedule or anything, I told her I'd be completely honored and so thankful.

So last night I sent Shoshanna an e-mail letting her know my situation and making sure I wouldn't mess up her flow by dropping in for a few weeks before we leave. She said it was fine. The best part? Stuart's off every Thursday in February. God opened this door wide for me. I'd be a fool not to recognize that.

If you're in Humboldt county and are interested in belly dance, here's where you can find some info:
http://www.rasheikaraks.com
http://www.shoshannaland.com

A PSA from me

This is truly serious. I know my title is tongue-in-cheek.

Depending on how well you know me, you may or may not know that I've dealt with depression off and on for the last 10 years or so. My first real issue with it was in high school. I gained a lot of weight, hid in my room, lost contact with my friends, and my grades plummeted. My parents were wrapped up in a very ugly separation and divorce, and I was never treated for depression or anything. This went on and on for about a year.

After Stuart and I got married and I got pregnant with Chase, I hit bottom emotionally again. I chalked it up to hormones, but I was clinically depressed. I know that looking back. It happened again after Logan was born in the form of PPD. I didn't even want to leave the hospital. I was treated this time with medication, and felt fantastic. So fantastic that I thought I was "better".

Fast forward to March 2007. I gained weight after my hysterectomy and couldn't lose it - even going to the gym 3 to 5 days a week. A doctor put me on Wellbutrin for weight loss. Not only did I NOT lose weight, it had an adverse effect on my emotions, and I was really cranky and moody. I stopped taking it after a couple months.

Starting in August of 2007, I was having very tearful days where I just couldn't cope. At all. There was no trigger - no stressor that hadn't been there the day before. Just a very helpless feeling. A hopeless feeling. My dear friend, Sonya, who happens to have a PhD and is a Psychotherapist suggested that I see a doc for depression. She - and others around me - could clearly see that I was slipping back into that pit of despair.

I learned something at the visit with my doc that I hadn't heard, and it's worth hearing. UNTREATED DEPRESSION CAN HAVE ADVERSE EFFECTS ON YOUR BODY. No, not in the form of self-mutilation. Not just in the form of fatigue and aching. Untreated depression causes damage to parts of your brain, and left untreated can lead to dementia in later life. I hadn't heard this and it terrifies me.

I know SO many women who are afraid to admit that they feel overwhelmed, sad, or *gasp* depressed. Here's a fact: Depression has nothing to do with you being weak, strong, or otherwise. This is something I've had to tell myself, and it's important. Depression is a disease, just like diabetes, high blood pressure, or glaucoma. You don't ask for it, you don't do something wrong to get it. You DO need to see someone if you have symptoms.

http://www.king5.com/health/stories/NW_080407HEK_dementia_KS.177de55.html

http://www.depression.com/depression_questionnaire.html

Please check these links out. Send me an e-mail if you want to talk or ask questions. Just please don't think you're alone. Don't give up. Please, don't NOT take medicine because you're worried about how others will see you.