Oh, gee whiz.

My little big boy went to VBS last week.  I took him and dropped him off M-F for a few hours.  He had a great time.  He really did.  Logan and I enjoyed our time together - for the most part.  Every morning when we'd drop Chase off, Logan would FREAK out.  

"NO, MOM!  THAT'S MY CHASE!"  

He could be heard over hundreds of children in the gym.  He ended up with quite a reputation before the week was through.  Thank goodness I had the forethought to put him in the stroller.  If he'd been flailing in my arms, I'd have probably dropped him!

Toward the end of the week, my mom and grandmother came for a visit.  We went to the beach on Saturday morning.  It was only the second time we'd been to the beach since we moved here.  Chase isn't too sure about things still, because the water was so dangerous in Humboldt.  He was really worried when I got in the water here.  He finally relented and got in about ankle deep.  We're planning another drive to the beach when Daddy gets home, so hopefully Chase will start feeling better about it.  He also had a little girl flirting with him there.  He was so clueless.  She was an older woman, too... 7!  They were about the same height, so she didn't believe him when he said he was 5.  It was funny.

Little Logan was completely smitten by Nanny, my grandmother.  He has so much fun with her, and she really fits nicely around his little finger.  ;)  After bathtime one evening, I had gotten Logan out and wrapped him in a hooded towel.  I sent him looking for Grammy, my mom, to get dressed and powdered and whatnot.  He goes to the kitchen where Nanny is, whips open his towel and exclaims, "Look Nanny!  My PENIS!"  She'll be laughing about that one for a while, I think.  He's awfully proud of that thing...  

Logan has really started talking so well.  I think Stuart will be surprised when he gets home.  Chase is reading like a pro, too.  I purchased school clothes recently, and am cautiously optimistic about the start of school.  *sigh*

Oh...in other news, I chopped all my hair off last Friday.  It looks so much healthier, and is really sassy.  I like it.  I don't really miss my long hair at all.  Even in the humidity this style seems to be manageable.  AND my stylist only charged me $25 at a local day spa!  How great is that?!

I had to take a break

Today I've been working on some purging.  Our closet in the computer room/Man Cave has been out of control, filled with the things we just didn't want to deal with when we moved in.  I also cleaned out and organized the closet in the master bedroom, which needed to be done terribly.

I've figured out why I had been putting this off so long.  There were two large boxes full, plus a little in another box, of "keepsake" stuff from my childhood/teen years.  I suppose most people look back fondly on days gone by.  I so wish that were the case.

I found my school journal from third grade.  Each day in Mrs. Davies' class, we had to write two sentences about what was going on that day.  There were days where I was upset with someone, days I was proud of an accomplishment, and days that were simply "Today is Tuesday.  Tomorrow will be Wednesday."  A day in early February held reports of snow, and a few days later I commented that the snow would be melting and making everything soggy.  The last two days' worth of writing made my eyes fill with tears.  One day said, "We're going to look for a house in Kansas."  The next day said, "We are moving soon.  I don't know when."  I didn't write in that book again.  I don't remember how it all transpired, but I'm sure the next day was likely my last day of school at Central Elementary in Poteau.  

The move itself wasn't terribly traumatic.  I was leaving my friends and what I had known as home since I was 3.  My dad had been living in his Volkswagen bus in Kansas all ready, waiting for us to move up there.  He worked for the railroad.  I vividly remember Mom helping him get all packed up, and making curtains for the windows in the bus.  I remember Dad getting set up with a ceramic heater so that he wouldn't freeze up there in the early spring during the cold nights.  

I'm glad that we were able to be a family again.  I think we lived in Kansas something like 10 months?  I'm crushed that things ended so abruptly.  I remember being at a Brownie meeting a few weeks before I wrote in my journal, and my Brownie leader had mentioned that she heard I was moving to Kansas City.  I had no idea what she was talking about.  I was excited at the prospect of a new adventure.  My mom was so upset that Mrs. K had mentioned it to me.  Looking back, I feel upset that Mom hadn't mentioned it to me.  In fact, we weren't moving to Kansas City, we were moving to Arma, a town with a population of less than 1000.

I guess that's the benefit of a military family.  I don't know for a fact how far in advance my parents knew we were moving.  I do know that we'll usually have a decent bit of notice.  Maybe I subconsciously knew about the way I felt then...when I was 8 years old.  I started preparing Chase well in advance so that he'd know we were moving.  He'd have time to figure it out as much as he could in his head.  He told everyone we came across that we were moving to "Misses Tupsie", then to Alabama after we found our home and decided Stuart would commute.

My childhood friendships were stopped abruptly.  I lost touch with all of them.  I've found a few on myspace here and there, but what do you say to someone you've not talked to in 20 years?  Remember me?  I helped you with your homework when you broke your arm in 2nd grade.  

There were only a few things that I looked at fondly in the boxes.  Trips Stuart and I had made to the beach in high school.  Church camps that I'd gone to.  Awards and certificates from Mock Trial and Choir.

I can't really put it all into words.  I am so sad, though.  So sad.  It's upsetting to see the evidence in my "keepsake" box of my parents' marriage falling apart.  Of me drifting off into depression.  Gaining 40 lbs.  Becoming a recluse, and the butt of family fat jokes.  

It's so sad that things that happened so long ago are still so raw.  I know this is why I've put this off for so long.  

I really hope to provide my boys with love.  I want them to know that Stuart and I love each other and love them.  I don't want them to be afraid of us.  I don't want them to be ashamed of us (though I know every kid is embarrassed of their parents at one point or another).  I want them to look back fondly on the adventures we had as a family.  I want them to have pictures to look through and smile.  

I hope they never feel the way I feel right now.  I hope their past is something they feel excited about sharing.