Introspective

I'm feeling really introspective lately.  I think stress does that to a person.  Well, it does me, anyway.

What am I thinking about?  Anything, really, that I feel I need to improve, modify, or completely eliminate to be the best me I can be.  

I've started a new blog.  I would appreciate encouragement and support.  The months of March and April have been more than a change of season for our family.  We've moved from a climate that was generally foggy and chilly to a warm, muggy locale.  We've got a new home that we're finally getting accustomed to.  The biggest change is yet to come...the day Daddy's boat goes out for a while.

In order for me to support the kids and coach them through this adjustment, I need to be ready to tackle it head-on for myself.  I've got to have things in place that will allow me to wallow, be angry, be afraid, and not know what to do - without the kids catching the brunt of it.  

I've gotten systems going in the house where I'm able to keep the clutter under control.  I just realized, though, that there's one room I HAVE to get tackled in the next day or 2 because I have company coming on Saturday.  The room is dubbed The Man Cave because it's where the computer and extra TV are and Stuart can be found there about 70% of the day.  *eye roll*  It's been our catch-all for the boxes and general crap that we had stored in the garage.  

I've got to figure out a menu that's appropriate for a mommy and her little guys.  I've always cooked for a crew, so it'll take some adjusting.  I've got to get some priorities straight with my health and taking care of myself.  

I've done a lot of looking at relationships and trying to eliminate or reduce contact with people that aren't healthy for me.  I've done a darned good job at that in the last year.  Really.  I'm proud of myself for that.  I think that I've got some hard work ahead of me still, but I know I can do it.

I can do anything with prayer, support, and love.  I have to remember that.  

Whirlwind

I feel like I'm in a crazy whirlwind right now. Time is in fast-forward, I think. The movers come in 1 week and 2 days. They came out yesterday to do an estimate and figure out how long it'll take to pack and load. Crazy stuff.

We're trying to wrap up doctor's appointments, dental vists, and vet check-ups. Trying to weed out clothes that don't fit or won't be seasonally appropriate for living in the south.

In the midst of it all, I'm working part time, Stuart has a birthday, and I have a belly dance performance.

To top it off, I'm pooped! Seriously tired. I want to lay in bed all day one day. I need to feel rested before this all hits a climax. I don't think it's gonna happen, but it's nice to dream, eh?

Hi

I'm stalling...

I'm supposed to be cleaning right now, but I don't wanna.

=( My little house here looks so sad. There are no pictures on the walls, none of my candles, all my cute kitchen stuff has been taken down.

I weeded through the boys' clothes last night. (I blogged about that experience on the Waiting for ships... page) The carpet guys are coming, oh, in a couple of hours. I have picked up the stuff off the floor - mostly. I ran the vacuum. They're just giving an estimate, though, so it'll be all right.

I really need to clean the kitchen, and I just don't wanna. I want to sit on my bootie, drink some tea, and do NOTHING.

Instead, Chase is at the dentist - AGAIN -, I've got to get to the Post Office, deal with the carpet stuff, take a friend to town to run an errand, then I have belly dance tonight. At some point in there I hope to grab some lunch and maybe give my husbands and kids a hug or two.

If you find the laundry fairy, send her my way. I've got about 5 loads still to wash. Oh, and if you find the "easy" button from Staples that works on PCS stuff, that'd be great, too.

*hrumph*

Shocking, isn't it?

I've gotten more than a few frantic e-mails and personal messages lately asking if I was okay. LOL! Apparently I have a habit of spending just a little time online, and when I miss that time, it's noticed. =D I assure you that I'm all right. Also, a great big "I love ya!" to those who have checked on me.

Man, I'll tell you, I don't know if I'm coming or going.

Wait. What was that? Oh, my backside. I guess I'm going right now.

I'm so exhausted that I'm pretty sure this blog won't make much sense. A quick recap for those that may not know what's going on.

1) The packers come in 2 weeks. ~~should be 'nuff said~~
2) I've been SICK this week. I guess it's allergies, but i'm drained.
3) I've spent most every free moment doing some work for a great friend. It's work I enjoy, and the companionship is wonderful! While I'm there, though, my chores at home aren't doing themselves.

I won't bore you with whining and carrying on. Well, not anymore. ;)

For the next few weeks I'll be a little out of touch. I'm hoping once we get to Mobile and get settled, though, I'll be back with a vengeance. Within reason, that is.

*sigh*

Man, there's no kind of guilt in the world worse than feeling like you've let your kid down. Nothing.

Chase is 5. He's a sweet, sweet boy. He's counting to 100, he's starting to read a little. He's growing into a big boy right in front of my eyes.

But I've failed him. I know that sounds melodramatic, but it's true.

I was 22 when Chase was born, thought I held the world on a string, and had been through the wringer in a lot of ways. Honestly. I was working full time, Stuart was working full time. Chase went to daycare. Between me being lazy and the daycare not helping, Chase used a bottle until his 2nd birthday. If I'd only realized what I was doing to my poor baby.

Last month he woke up screaming because his tooth hurt. We weren't on dental yet, but took him in to have it checked out. He had an infection in his molar. They put him on 10 days of antibiotics and said for him to come back to have it filled and possibly a cap or crown put on.

Today was the appointment. He completed his antibiotics, but his infection is back. They weren't able to fill the tooth. In fact, he's going to be on antibiotics again, and they're just going to pull the tooth next week and put a spacer in.

I feel horrible. For one, I've never been strict enough about tooth brushing. I was blessed with hearty teeth and have never had a cavity. (knock on wood) Stuart has really weak enamel and has had MANY dental problems. It looks like Chase inherited that.

So this is just a big old sigh from a mommy that feels really guilty. It sucks to know that I could've done something to prevent this. It sucks more to know that my little guy has been enduring pain and will again next week because of my oversight and laziness.

Dangit. I'm so sorry, little guy. :(

Divine Intervention

This past Tuesday was the first time I'd been back to belly dance since before Christmas. Stuart's schedule, Chase's dental stuff, and just LIFE had gotten in the way.

I was standing in my bathroom brushing through my hair, and I chided myself. We have two great instructors in this area for belly dance, and I hadn't taken advantage of both. I realized, as I was standing there, that I only had about 5 weeks left here and right before a move wasn't the time to put money into doubling up on dance classes. I didn't completely beat myself up about it, but I was pretty disappointed.

I got to the studio for class and climbed the stairs. I greeted and was greeted, gave hugs, etc. My friend Shannon came up to me and said something like, "Hey, I need to talk to you..."

Shannon, by the way, is a gorgeous girl. Ebony hair, beautiful eyes, and a magnificent personality. She tells me she's starting some graduate level classes and won't be able to finish out her class card with Shoshanna. Would I like her to transfer it to my name?

Now, if you know me, you won't be surprised to hear that my eyes filled with tears, though I tried really hard for it not to show. Without knowing Stuart's duty schedule or anything, I told her I'd be completely honored and so thankful.

So last night I sent Shoshanna an e-mail letting her know my situation and making sure I wouldn't mess up her flow by dropping in for a few weeks before we leave. She said it was fine. The best part? Stuart's off every Thursday in February. God opened this door wide for me. I'd be a fool not to recognize that.

If you're in Humboldt county and are interested in belly dance, here's where you can find some info:
http://www.rasheikaraks.com
http://www.shoshannaland.com

A PSA from me

This is truly serious. I know my title is tongue-in-cheek.

Depending on how well you know me, you may or may not know that I've dealt with depression off and on for the last 10 years or so. My first real issue with it was in high school. I gained a lot of weight, hid in my room, lost contact with my friends, and my grades plummeted. My parents were wrapped up in a very ugly separation and divorce, and I was never treated for depression or anything. This went on and on for about a year.

After Stuart and I got married and I got pregnant with Chase, I hit bottom emotionally again. I chalked it up to hormones, but I was clinically depressed. I know that looking back. It happened again after Logan was born in the form of PPD. I didn't even want to leave the hospital. I was treated this time with medication, and felt fantastic. So fantastic that I thought I was "better".

Fast forward to March 2007. I gained weight after my hysterectomy and couldn't lose it - even going to the gym 3 to 5 days a week. A doctor put me on Wellbutrin for weight loss. Not only did I NOT lose weight, it had an adverse effect on my emotions, and I was really cranky and moody. I stopped taking it after a couple months.

Starting in August of 2007, I was having very tearful days where I just couldn't cope. At all. There was no trigger - no stressor that hadn't been there the day before. Just a very helpless feeling. A hopeless feeling. My dear friend, Sonya, who happens to have a PhD and is a Psychotherapist suggested that I see a doc for depression. She - and others around me - could clearly see that I was slipping back into that pit of despair.

I learned something at the visit with my doc that I hadn't heard, and it's worth hearing. UNTREATED DEPRESSION CAN HAVE ADVERSE EFFECTS ON YOUR BODY. No, not in the form of self-mutilation. Not just in the form of fatigue and aching. Untreated depression causes damage to parts of your brain, and left untreated can lead to dementia in later life. I hadn't heard this and it terrifies me.

I know SO many women who are afraid to admit that they feel overwhelmed, sad, or *gasp* depressed. Here's a fact: Depression has nothing to do with you being weak, strong, or otherwise. This is something I've had to tell myself, and it's important. Depression is a disease, just like diabetes, high blood pressure, or glaucoma. You don't ask for it, you don't do something wrong to get it. You DO need to see someone if you have symptoms.

http://www.king5.com/health/stories/NW_080407HEK_dementia_KS.177de55.html

http://www.depression.com/depression_questionnaire.html

Please check these links out. Send me an e-mail if you want to talk or ask questions. Just please don't think you're alone. Don't give up. Please, don't NOT take medicine because you're worried about how others will see you.