I've figured out why I had been putting this off so long. There were two large boxes full, plus a little in another box, of "keepsake" stuff from my childhood/teen years. I suppose most people look back fondly on days gone by. I so wish that were the case.
I found my school journal from third grade. Each day in Mrs. Davies' class, we had to write two sentences about what was going on that day. There were days where I was upset with someone, days I was proud of an accomplishment, and days that were simply "Today is Tuesday. Tomorrow will be Wednesday." A day in early February held reports of snow, and a few days later I commented that the snow would be melting and making everything soggy. The last two days' worth of writing made my eyes fill with tears. One day said, "We're going to look for a house in Kansas." The next day said, "We are moving soon. I don't know when." I didn't write in that book again. I don't remember how it all transpired, but I'm sure the next day was likely my last day of school at Central Elementary in Poteau.
The move itself wasn't terribly traumatic. I was leaving my friends and what I had known as home since I was 3. My dad had been living in his Volkswagen bus in Kansas all ready, waiting for us to move up there. He worked for the railroad. I vividly remember Mom helping him get all packed up, and making curtains for the windows in the bus. I remember Dad getting set up with a ceramic heater so that he wouldn't freeze up there in the early spring during the cold nights.
I'm glad that we were able to be a family again. I think we lived in Kansas something like 10 months? I'm crushed that things ended so abruptly. I remember being at a Brownie meeting a few weeks before I wrote in my journal, and my Brownie leader had mentioned that she heard I was moving to Kansas City. I had no idea what she was talking about. I was excited at the prospect of a new adventure. My mom was so upset that Mrs. K had mentioned it to me. Looking back, I feel upset that Mom hadn't mentioned it to me. In fact, we weren't moving to Kansas City, we were moving to Arma, a town with a population of less than 1000.
I guess that's the benefit of a military family. I don't know for a fact how far in advance my parents knew we were moving. I do know that we'll usually have a decent bit of notice. Maybe I subconsciously knew about the way I felt then...when I was 8 years old. I started preparing Chase well in advance so that he'd know we were moving. He'd have time to figure it out as much as he could in his head. He told everyone we came across that we were moving to "Misses Tupsie", then to Alabama after we found our home and decided Stuart would commute.
My childhood friendships were stopped abruptly. I lost touch with all of them. I've found a few on myspace here and there, but what do you say to someone you've not talked to in 20 years? Remember me? I helped you with your homework when you broke your arm in 2nd grade.
There were only a few things that I looked at fondly in the boxes. Trips Stuart and I had made to the beach in high school. Church camps that I'd gone to. Awards and certificates from Mock Trial and Choir.
I can't really put it all into words. I am so sad, though. So sad. It's upsetting to see the evidence in my "keepsake" box of my parents' marriage falling apart. Of me drifting off into depression. Gaining 40 lbs. Becoming a recluse, and the butt of family fat jokes.
It's so sad that things that happened so long ago are still so raw. I know this is why I've put this off for so long.
I really hope to provide my boys with love. I want them to know that Stuart and I love each other and love them. I don't want them to be afraid of us. I don't want them to be ashamed of us (though I know every kid is embarrassed of their parents at one point or another). I want them to look back fondly on the adventures we had as a family. I want them to have pictures to look through and smile.
I hope they never feel the way I feel right now. I hope their past is something they feel excited about sharing.
5 comments:
Thank you for sharing that part of yourself. I have quite a few "memory" boxes that I'd rather not ever open again. Sometimes I just can't help myself though and regret it a few hours later - after living all those angry, sad, hurt, sickening moments again. I do have some good memories, but many not so good.
I do think you should look at what all those experiences taught you though. You are an amazing woman. You wouldn't be who you are today if you hadn't had those things in your life. Good and bad, our experiences mold us. Use them, learn from them and the teach those things to your children to make this a better world.
Love you.
What a poignant entry. These experiences have made you the wonderful and strong woman that you are, and your job is to share that strength and grace with the world - a job in which you constantly work overtime. <3
Oh my dear.
*deep breath*
Honey, think not about what is in those boxes, but look at who you are today. All of us have things in our past that we would rather forget and sometimes wished they'd never transpired. It's a fact of life. I'm sad that you are hurting over your memories. I have a sneaking suspicion that aside from the painful memories you have some very wonderful ones too. Of course, the sucky stuff sometimes overshadows the good.
Your boys are so fortunate to have such a wonderful mom who is already working to make wonderful memories for them. They are so blessed, as are you.
I'm sure your boys will have happy memories and more, Amber. With parents like you two, they'll be able to brag about how amazing their adventures were, and they'll be able to laugh at the times things did get a little messy.
Your little keepsake box may not hold the best of memories, but it's a reminder of how far you've come. From those raw, dark artifacts you can rejoice in the fact that you've become a beautiful, talented and articulate woman with a stellar family. Everyone who stepped on you along the way can put that in their pipe and SMOKE IT. <3
One of my favorite quotes ... “I've learned that good-byes will always hurt, pictures will never replace having been there, memories good and bad will bring tears, and words can never replace feelings.”
I'm proud to "know" you, Amber.
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